Studio Bebop

A LOT has happened in a very short amount of time. Even I'm still sort of dazed and overwhelmed. So, here is the breadth of it as far as I'm in understanding, and what's going on in my own mind over the matter:

The idea of heading out west to Seattle has been the most prominent idea in my mind since about August. This is mostly due to the fact that I want to end up at the university there, and I have lived with the notion that, if I want to do anything with my life that would let me continue to focus on my sculpture, there was no means or way to do so here in Kentucky. Lately, I've been frustrated with feeling the sensation that there's this big bell jar encasing me here, and all I could do up to now was bang against the sides of it saying 'I need out, I need out, I need out!'

There have been emotional and mental needs for this, things at home that weren't as smooth as they used to be, affecting my own drive and abilities to being a depressed cripple in a room that had made itself my prison. The opportunity to work in Seattle arose, but I didn't feel my heart in it. Rather, I think I was going through the motions just to find an avenue to get away. It wasn't what I wanted to do, if I'm honest with myself. And what I'm itching to make as soon as I'm about to spend hours on end outside, it still closely tied to my origins and location, here. In Seattle, the relevance and importance would be lost to me, and I'd be left with nothing but clay, and a want to go back on the farm and build in the creek. It was strange then, that after some correspondence with a possible supervisor that when the time came for her to call me to talk more about the position and do an informal interview, things kept popping up that ended up having her needing to reschedule. A meeting, ect. So that three days went by and I didn't get a call, the last two without even notification as to what was the stalling factor.

In the meantime, I had gone to Paducah yesterday to get out, cruise supply stores, pick up a packet to apply for substitute teaching, and was on my way home going the old way through the downtown area when quite literally a whim made me want to go through the Lower Town Arts District just to see if anything was open on a Friday afternoon, mild as it was. One was. I went in, noting that it was a jewellry gallery/store for an artistt who was currently out of town showing her work. The woman behind the counter struck up a conversation with me, and I found out she was a painter. We talked about what I'd gone to school for, the 'next step', and in the midst of this, she asked if I had a studio. I replied that I didn't, and was also needing to find a place to store some of my work so that it wouldn't be in danger of getting damaged... (Alas, poor Twinkletoes, I knew ye well.) She perked and said quite simply: 'Do you want one?' to which I rather profoundly stared in typical 'Huh?' fashion. I gave her my email and the like, just so she could get in contact with me as things were passed on, when three other people made their way in succession into the building and it built up into a 'What's so-and-so's number? I'll call him now, he can give you a tour of the place' and me scribbling directions and sort of standing baffled in the midst of all this like 'I just came here to look at the sparklies...?'

Eventually, I found myself standing in front of a house that one the side I learned led to the studio. A couple came out, found out what I was standing there for (they live in the upper flat) and they rather happily talked with me as I waited to meet up and be shown the space. Immediately, I have to say, that everyone's attitude was immensely welcoming and supportive, and I'm kind of startled by it, though as Meryl (? Sounds like Murl, I'm not sure. I need to look this up...) said as he showed me around, 'Well, that's what we try to do,' in taking care of people. We bonded over coffee. I'm tempted to go to Etcetera this afternoon and try out their selection, by the way.

I cried when I got home, mostly from the emotional upheaval and supreme randomness of the Seattle door looking stalled, and this one waving its hand going 'Uh, hello. Right here. See me yet?' And the sheer relief of it that I hadn't realized I would feel. There wasn't a glass bell at all. I just wasn't awake enough to see what I wanted was already here. It might stall my hopes of seeing Zoe Keating live in concert in the near future, but I could work with it.

I don't believe in coincidence. I take events that occur simply as that was the manner in which it has happened, and I need to clue in, balls up, and get with it because I'm being told something.

It was one of those instances.

I'm more awake today, more cautious. And, as with all things that seem to good to be true (I'm a pessimist, try to overlook it and love me anyway?), a wrench appears in the works when I get a call that the bit about clay=dust that we all sort of forgot (I'm used to it, is my excuse) means that particular studio might not work out due to ventilation of the house and the effect it might have on the paintings. But, he's said that he's talking to the other ceramicists in town about ventilation, what works, what they could do, and if that particular studio doesn't work out, he's bouncing my name around to see if I can land something else more fitting, maybe even with one of the other ceramicist.

My thoughts are boiled down to this:

Please don't let an open door like this be a tease.

Am I supposed to stay, or go?

I've only just been made aware of the LTAD, apparently I've had my head up my ass, but already the strong sense of community and want to help each other out is so extreme and so family-like that no matter what occurs, I'm wondering if this is a heads up to get involved in one fashion or another regardless to do what little I can to help it out.

Am I supposed to stay, or go?

And I could really, really use some coffee.

I'm mentally chewing a thumbnail over the whole situation, and trying to be realistic. What I want more than anything is to know what I'm supposed to do, but this is life, and we don't get a by-the-step book to our lives.

So that's pretty much it. You now know everything. All I can ask is that you send good thoughts/vibes/prayers/dances with pine branches and blue painted bodies ---... okay, that might just be fantasy, you get the idea... my way so that one way or another, I go where I'm needing to go.

Much love.

PS: Going to miss NCECA this year like a leg. If anyone goes, send pictures.